I haven’t written a blog post for a while even though this is only a new thing for me and I’ve barely written anything as yet. But I haven’t really been able to bring myself to write anything. I thought blogging would be a good idea to get my thoughts and feelings with our new transitions down onto “paper” but recently they’ve been so mixed up about everything I just haven’t been able to bring myself to write or even talk about it.
When we moved here I thought it would be the “good life” and I’m sure eventually it will, I’m almost certain our new lifestyle will ultimately benefit our children. But so much is happening in the background of the move that the culmination of everything is really starting to creep up on me.
So not only (sand written about previously) was our move and relocation blotted with difficulties. My parents relocation with us is still ongoing, I talk to my mum daily sometimes twice or more a day and hearing her stressed and struggling when she is usually my rock is so so hard. We always assumed that even if we moved before them that she would stay down with me but financially (travel costs) and because of their continuous house sale/viewings this hasn’t been able to happen. Next month she goes to stay with my brother for a month to help my sister in law whilst she has my new baby nephew and to help with my 18 month old niece. She needs a break and to get to see them all but at the same time that fills me with anxiety, it’s sad to say but this is the longest and furthest I’ve ever been away from my parents. I don’t rely on them, I don’t necessarily need them but I enjoy being around them, we are a close knit family that support one another so much that you become to rely on them so now I miss them so so much. I pray that soon their house sells and we have some sort of timescale on when they will finally be here with us permanently.
Jason has once again returned home for another 7 days, leaving me and the three kids to fend on our own. The weather down here is still SHIT… stormy, windy, freezing, hailing, raining. The wind whips around the house and honestly scares the life out of me, especially at night whilst I’m on my own. I really really hate it. During the day I keep busy and have great fun with the kids, but at night I barely sleep so exhaustion just creeps up on me. It’s the most horrible feeling knowing you’re over 200 miles away from those you love and you know you used to be able to call upon within 5 minutes to help, 5 minutes is now 3.5 hours away. Our neighbours are lovely and say I can always call on them but that’s a whole other anxiety… meeting and feeling comfortable around new people!
Since moving here I’ve found myself immersed in social media more. Hence probably the blog. I’ve always felt such a need to fit in from such a young age, I have no idea why. My parents have never been ones to “keep up with the Jones’s” and are very happy being comfortably themselves. Whereas I feel in from the start of the era/generation where media and magazines had an impact on my childhood. Growing up needing to fit in, have the same things and toys as other kids, the same clothes… then as you grow up the same labels, trainers, cool stuff. I was always a “boffin” “mosher” “geek” “emo” at secondary school and I kind of enjoyed being the outcast at the same time envying the “cool kids” wishing I was as pretty as them, had as many friends as them. Even around my friends I always felt like the poor relative, we came from a fairly middle class background with a comfortable family life but then my friends lives seemed to trump me that bit more… with bigger houses, more extra curricular activities, second houses in Cornwall. Again I always felt judged, felt that I wasn’t cool enough, wasn’t worthy enough to be around them. When I went to college and broke away from them my feelings were almost confirmed when all of my “close” friends pretty much immediately wrote me off. I took this as a massive blow, looking back now with older, wiser eyes it was probably my own doing as I spent every waking hour and minute with my first love and boyfriend so ultimately it was me that let my friends slip away… wanting to be more like my boyfriend, more mature, more grown up I chose to go to college when they chose to stay at sixth form. There was also a rebellion side to my decision as my parents were absolutely horrified at my choice (my dad mainly) he dearly wanted me to get A levels and go to Uni but I wanted to grow up and be independent. College was ultimately the making of me… I made my best friend for life, who funnily enough was one of the “cool kids” from secondary school. She didn’t judge me, she didn’t make me feel like I was different, in fact she included me… especially when my boyfriend (of 3.5 years) then cheated on me with my other long term school friend that had come to college with me. Heartbroken, I cannot explain. (I just pray none of my children go through that, although I’m sure they will) my new best friend was there through it all, instead of letting myself get down and depressed she built me up, got me out, immersed me in her life and made me a better person. She inspired me and still does (I don’t think she really knows how much) but I still even sit here feeling like I’m judged by her… why do I always feel judged? Surely she loves me, she made my godmother of her son, she checks in with me most days… but still I feel like I’m not cool enough for her, I don’t go to the gym, I don’t like to drink, we don’t have too much in common anymore but yet we are still best friends (or so I hope) SEE I EVEN THINK SOMETIMES SHE’D RATHER NOT HAVE ME AS A BEST FRIEND?!
Then there was my antenatal friends. Amazing group of lovely ladies. I was the youngest in the group but that suited me fine as I’ve always had an “old head on young shoulders” as my mum would say. It took a while but we eventually all started socialising and getting to know one another. I really liked having a group of women I could relate to, and that I knew would support me. But still in the back on my mind niggled at me that they didn’t really like me, that they were only I including me to be kind and friendly. I wasn’t good enough, we didn’t have as much money as most of them. We didn’t have the high end buggy, the high end clothes. Eventually as Jason moved up in his position as work I then felt the need to get a better buggy when Arnie came along, start buying better clothing brands. Anything for someone to like me, someone to think I’m cool. When ultimately none of that matters, at all. It’s who I am; my personality; me… if someone isn’t going to like me then I need to find a way to be at peace with that. But I struggle so much thinking that no one likes me. They just tolerate me. My opinions are different, my parenting is very different (I’m strict and traditional and can be a bit of an arsehole), I’m religious and although I don’t want to throw it in people’s faces I also don’t want to be afraid to be proud of that. I’m definitely not a liberal person, but I’m okay with people that are. That’s the thing with me, my opinions and beliefs and feelings may be extremely different to others but that should be okay because I don’t care what your beliefs are, I don’t care how you parent your kids (as long as it doesn’t affect my children) I don’t care how you run your house, what sort of thing you eat, how you want to live your life. I just want to be accepted, and liked. I don’t want my children to feel they have to buckle to peer pressure, I don’t want them to feel the need to fit in with brands and designers and toys… I want them to be happy being them so I need to start trying to teach myself and accept that mantra. Social media is such a great platform to share your feelings but it has spurred my need to fit in with others, children’s clothing groups has turned me into the fan frenzy that dresses my daughter in nothing but JoJo and Boden, why?! To fit in, for likes, for someone to notice me. But what’s that teaching her? Why do I need to do that? I’ve been trying to cut down on my participation in these online groups, but when you have barely any friends you try to impress and make friends wherever possible. I crave adult contact, adult conversation especially so bring a stay at home mum. I crave someone who likes the same things as me, has the same interests (which mainly consist of my children and what they’re doing/wearing) some of the ladies on these pages are so so kind even though it’s a virtual relationship it’s still a relationship but yet I still feel judged, I spend too much on my children, I show them off too much, I don’t have the latest things, I say the wrong thing, I post the wrong picture. Some of the ladies have really made me feel outcast, and that was a pretty awful time so I definitely took a step back since then. It worries me that if as a grown adult social media has given me that many challenges what sort of challenges will it create for my three children? I hope by then I have some sort of knowledge in how to support them as they get older. I hope by then I have more confidence in my self. It’s okay not to be liked by everyone. It’s okay to have different opinions. I need to learn not to let my thoughts get away with myself.
Ultimately this is having a huge impact into how I’m settling in since relocating. When Hamish started at preschool 3 years ago it took so much courage for me to start speaking to mums during the school run. Some mums were very accepting (and I would now call good friends) some mums already had firm friendships with others and came off as quite standoffish. I didn’t let this deter me, I eventually became a part of the committee thanks to the help of one of my good antenatal friends, I became confident to welcome new parents and chat to others. I loved the time both my boys were at their previous preschool, I knew people I was happy to socialise and be myself. Since moving I have lost all confidence, no one makes any effort to talk or say good morning or even smile at this new school. My mind goes into overdrive… is it because I’m not local? Is it because I’m too young? Is it because I live in a big house? (Not being a snob it genuinely is a thought that crosses my mind) I even think that people think I’m a snob… I definitely not 😂 why won’t people talk to me? What can I do to make it different? I’ve immersed myself by cracking straight on with baby group and toddler clubs but it seems that people have already made their friendships, their cliches… I think it’s going to take a long time for me to fit in and I need to accept that but whilst I’m here on my own without Jason who’s my confident safety blanket then it’s going to be a real mental struggle for me. My main goal is just making sure the kids don’t see that it’s affecting me, keep a smile on my face, and a happy heart.
Yet another long blog post that probably makes no sense. I don’t proof read these. I may not even read it again. I just get my thoughts down whilst I’m sat watching crap TV so maybe someone might read it, they may relate, they may reach out? Who knows? Who cares? I’ll probably post this and then sit thinking that people think I’m a weirdo, a dork, assuming once again everyone is judging me negatively. I have no idea why I think this, I wish it was something that wouldn’t affect me so much. I hate this continuous battle of wanting to be liked, wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted.